‘Oh no, it’s coming…’
Yes, I am about to go there. The subject that usually makes people cringe and bury their heads in embarrassment. The dreaded toilet talk in all its glory. But don’t worry, I’m not about to give you a low-down of my bowel movements, I just want to talk about the anxiety that comes with the fear of feeling unwell and needing to find a toilet whilst you’re travelling.
Let me quickly share with you a story of mine which will help paint the picture. When leaving hospital after my second operation, my partner Jamie had collected me from London to drive back to my family home in Essex. As we turned onto the main road, barely 10 minutes into our journey, it hit me. The sudden rush flooded my body, the sweating started, my stomach turned and then the words ‘Oh no, it’s coming…’. First of all Jamie didn’t realise the severity of the situation until I kept repeating the words ‘I’m going to shit myself in your car, there’s nothing I can do, there’s nothing I can do!’. Before I knew it he was shoving the ceramic mixing bowl, which I had previously used as a sick bowl, in my face saying ‘You’re gonna have to do it in there’. As you can imagine this was not a concept I was happy with and luckily we turned into an industrial estate where I managed to find a toilet just in the nick of time.
Now it’s experiences like this that although we look back now and cry with laughter, it’s added to the anxiety of feeling unwell whilst on the go. What if we get stuck in traffic? What if there isn’t a toilet for miles? What if I really don’t want to use a ceramic mixing bowl to do my business in? Let’s be honest, it’s less than ideal. Before you know it you’ve convinced yourself the worst will happen and you haven’t even stepped foot out the front door.
Over the past few years this fear is what has stopped me from doing what I love most, travelling. A car journey, a train ride, a flight, I now dread them all and have a feeling of impending doom even at the thought of it. My fear isn’t entirely irrational either because I’ve had the negative experiences to add to my ‘Why I shouldn’t do this again’ rationale. For example, I’ve had an adrenal crisis where I blacked out on the train platform and had to be taken to hospital. I’ve had more than one plane journey where I’ve had to embarrassingly stop the stewardess halfway through the safety demonstration to let me use the toilet before take-off. Let’s face it, the plane full of people know exactly what I’m doing in that toilet. Oh well, when you’ve gotta poop, you’ve gotta poop.
So it’s safe to say that I definitely have reasoning to feel the way I do but should I let a few bad experiences turn me into a recluse and stop me from doing something that once bought me a lot of joy? The answer is of course no but it’s easier said than done. This fear has been a real humdinger for me, one that I’ve struggled to know how to overcome and that still holds me back. However, I haven’t thrown in the towel just yet. Instead I’m taking baby steps to build my confidence by noting all the positive experiences I have when I do get outside the house. It could simply be walking my pup Stan in the woods for 30 minutes without feeling sick or needing to use the loo.
The key is to recognise these as wins so that the next time I travel my mindset can shift to ‘This is going to be a positive experience’ instead of ‘I’m probably going to shit myself’. Sorry but there is no sugar coating it.
🧠